My evening at a taping of "The Colbert Report"

My former boss at the New England School of Acupuncture (his name is Lane) granted me his extra ticket, our reason for going in the first place, but Heidi also managed to get in because the folks in front of us had spare tickets as well. The cold was unbearable even for diehard fans. That was my first complaint: we had to wait in line outside. Couldn't they at least afford heat lamps? Fortunately, my complaints about the evening transformed into funny memories. We arrived so early that we took our place at the front of the line and bonded with the people around us, taking turns heading to the corner market to warm up without losing our spot in line. In time, our endurance paid off, though it wasn't helped by the geeky interns/staff members who emerged sporadically, tempting us with the hope of an early entrance. One young (flaky) man walked down the line several times to count us, holding a stack of numbered passes and cracking jokes that none of us understood, but we laughed anyway. Part of the manipulation process, I suppose. We were told that we had to wait for the security team from "The Daily Show" to finish over there before we could enter; Comedy Central is notoriously low budget, but...seriously.

The studio itself was nothing special - located in Hell's Kitchen on the west side of Manhattan, with nothing much surrounding it except parking garages, and a boring facade.

Finally, we were corraled into a dingy waiting room with about 25 chairs, 15 of which were occupied by "VIPs". Heidi noted that all these people looked similarly young and wealthy, and I wondered, who are they, and why are they here? The waiting room was also freezing, but we managed to remove our hats and scarves even if we could still barely feel our toes. A poster on the wall pictured Colbert in a regal stance and the words "It's what Lincoln would have watched." The crowds followed in behind us; we sat in chairs at the back, waiting for our numbers to be called. Someone appeared to instruct us on how to be a good studio audience and then led us in a pep clap to test our enthusiasm. Heidi and I rolled our eyes; if we love the show enough, shouldn't we be trusted? When they called out the first numbers, we proudly shoved our way through the crowd, to the front, into the studio, and...right into the front row, about 15 feet away from Colbert's famous desk.

All the waiting, chapped hands and lips, complaining, coffee and doughnut runs, infuriating staff members - all was worth it just for this moment. I was so excited that I shivered although I didn't feel cold any more. Here we were, directly exposed to the unpredictable elements of The Colbert Report.

The studio was tiny and intimate, just as I'd heard. I glanced around to spot the objects I recognized - the pictures of Bill Cosby and Dr. House on the shelves, the eagle's nest, the triple portrait of Colbert above the fireplace. Heidi explained what the various cameras were, stuff she learned in her video production class. TV's were perched around the studio so we could watch the TV version, with the graphics and videos, and the action of "The Daily Show" flickered on a screen nearby.

A comedian appeared to "warm us up." He wasn't all that funny, but he told us we might get to see a live "toss" between Stewart and Colbert, where Colbert shows up on the Daily Show to announce what will happen on the Report. It's one of my favorite gimmicks. My heart leapt, but alas, the Daily Show ran out of time and it didn't happen. Then ensued a few jokes about sweaters and long-johns, and some instructions about when to clap and cheer (we were surprised how loose the procedure was; the studio manager would wave a piece of paper above his head as our cue), and finally the comedian introduced Colbert and he ran out.

After an enthusiastic jaunt around the studio, he tore down the front row, giving us all high fives, then he came back and did it again. He flipped his microphone behind his back into the air and caught it with one hand on the other side. Such skill. It was time for the Q and A, but he started by asking how long we waited in the cold.

"2 hours!" we front-rowers exclaimed.

"Well, I have some bad news: I'm sorry, the show is cancelled," was his terse reply. "Now are there any questions you want to ask me before I turn into a horrible person?"

Someone asked him when he would start having his kids on the show, and he responded that he didn't advocate birthing on his show. Then, to my delight, Lane raised his hand and asked, "Do you normally have a backup guest, and if so, who is it tonight?"

Colbert, standing about three feet away, extended his hand to Lane and asked, "Are you available?" After some laughs, Colbert asked, "What do you do for a living?"

"I work at a school of acupuncture," Lane replied.

"A school of acupuncture? Wow!" Colbert replied. He said something after this, but I didn't catch it.

Lane pointed to me and said, "This is my assistant."

Colbert looked directly at me with his blindingly white face (spotlight + extreme Irish whiteness = blindingly white). "Oh, you're his assistant?"

"Not any more!" I laughed, not sure why Lane described it in the present tense.

"Not any more? So you couldn't take it any more? Couldn't handle the acupressure?"

We all cracked up, amazed at the quick wit; it may seem like an obvious joke, but not everyone knows what acupressure is, or even that it's related to acupuncture. Plus, with Colbert, it's all about delivery.

Someone else asked him why his middle name is Tyrone, and he expounded on the story of how his parents named him after a nearby city, and how his family was pushed off their land by "Scotch" Presbyterians, forced to farm rocks out west, and later he married one of the Presbyterians' daughters (which is true). Heidi and I cheered, good Scotch Presbyterians that we are.

The show started right away. Before he approached his desk, he leapt into the air and kicked his feet together. One insight I gathered from the evening is that Colbert is the perfect fusion of goofiness, savviness, and intelligence, which I suppose is imperative for the fake news business. The workers were also goofy. I could never work at a place where I felt obliged to be goofy all the time.

In between segments, he would shake his head rhythmically to the annoying loud pop music (my second complaint of the night - why couldn't they play something cool, like the Beatles?). Unfortunately (and admirably), he didn't miss a beat all night, which meant we didn't get to see him break character and do another take. As a result, the taping moved very quickly. He did The Word segment and "Better Know a District" - another of my favorite features. During BKAD, he watched the recording on a prompter in front of him, lip-synching some of his own words and cracking up, doubling over, during the climactic joke where the Democratic senator is forced to "admit" that he's a Republican. My eyes darted back and forth between him and the video. I wasn't sure which was more entertaining, but I figured I could watch BKAD later online.

Charlie LeDuff was the guest; there's not much to say about it except that the interview was very bizarre. You can watch it on the link I've provided below. When he was first brought out, he sat down in the interview chair, looked at the audience, and exclaimed, "I'm on freakin' Colbert!" and we all cheered. Of course, we could only read his lips because the music was so loud.

Another strange thing Colbert did between segments was a swirling gesture with his hands across his desk. We couldn't figure it out, except that perhaps it was an inside joke between him and the camera 2 guy.

The show ended with him gazing at an object on his shelf, a ritual he observes every night during the credits, and tonight it was a picture of some unfamiliar person. The camera panned to the audience on the other side, so no, our lovely faces didn't show up on the credits. He walked around the studio again, thanked us for coming, and said good night. Overall, the taping lasted half an hour.

One observation: it was difficult to follow the jokes while watching them live. I'm not sure if it was the particular jokes of this episode, or that they're easier to understand on TV, but for the most part, the latter is true. Most of the humor of the show consists of the solid writing and Colbert's personality - but part of it, as in any TV show, is watching it on TV since it's made for TV. It's easier to pay attention when you're not slightly starstruck, as I was.

And that leads me to my last observation: I was starstruck, but Heidi and I both agreed that it was easy to feel at home with Colbert. He likes his audience (as homogeneous as it is), has a great deal of influence on them, and feeds off their enthusiasm. Just a regular guy with special abilities. Even his makeup was indiscernible.

The experience seems surreal now. I'd go back and do it again because, overall, it was FUN...but next time I'll go in mid-July.

You can watch the episode here:
http://www.comedycentral.com/shows/the_colbert_report/index.jhtml. See if you can't distinguish our laughs from the rest.